The Muggle Grocery Store
by TheNextFolchart
Summary: Sirius knows something is wrong when Marlene comes home from the store and doesn't shout for him to come help her put away the groceries. / SiriusandMarlenelive!AU written for a nightmare of a person who forfeited the privilege of being my friend by earning himself a reputation for instigating drama and slandering people, so consider it re-gifted to anyone who likes Blackinnon :)
**The Muggle Grocery Store**

* * *

He knows something is wrong when Marlene comes home from the store and doesn't shout for him to come help her put away the groceries.

"Marley?"

She's wobbling on a three-legged stool in an attempt to reach the top shelf of the pantry. "What?"

Sirius takes a few steps into the kitchen. "D'you need any help?"

"I've got it." She stretches onto her tiptoes and nudges a sack of potatoes deeper into the cabinet.

Sirius leans against the counter. "Not that I'm complaining," he says with a slow smirk, "because the view from down here is quite lovely, but why aren't you using your wand?"

Marlene looks over her shoulder to stick her tongue out at her husband and jumps down from the stool. "I tried a new market today," she says. "It's a Muggle place. Lily showed it to me. And I dunno if you're allowed to use magic on Muggle food—I dunno if it spoils it, or something."

Sirius moves to the pile of grocery sacks on the kitchen island and prods one with a finger. "Why'd you go to a Muggle shop?"

Marlene won't make eye contact. "Just for a change. I don't need help," she says hurriedly as Sirius goes to open a bag. "I can put them away on my own."

He quirks an eyebrow. "You're always yelling at me to help."

"Yeah, and you're always complaining that I make you help." She puts a hand on his arm and leans up to press a kiss into his cheek. "I just feel like giving you a break."

"Hm." Sirius narrows his eyes. "All right. What did you do?"

She laughs. "Nothing."

"Break something expensive? _Buy_ something expensive?"

"Not this time."

"You did _something_."

"Nothing." She sends him that smile, and damn if he doesn't feel a flutter in his stomach, even after all these years. "Now get out of the kitchen. I'm making you a surprise for supper."

Sirius turns to leave, and then scoots around the island and yanks open one of the grocery sacks. Marlene yelps and tries to grab the food that falls out, but Sirius seizes a carton of ice cream and holds out of her reach, squints to read the label—

"Fat-free?"

Marlene bounces on her toes to reach the carton. "Sirius—"

" _Fat-free?_ "

"Hear me out—"

Sirius drops the ice cream and dives for a box of cereal. "Low cholesterol!" A frozen pizza. "Gluten-free!" A bag of carrots. "Organic! Is it _all_ like this?"

Marlene snatches the carrots from his hands. "Oh, come on, Sirius, you can't deny you could stand to lose a bit of weight."

"You were going to put me on a diet without even telling me?"

"Yes!" She drops the carrots in their ice box and puts her hands on her hips. "You would never have known, if you had given me a mo' to take the labels off."

"I can't believe this." Sirius runs a hand through his hair. "Where has the trust gone, Marley?"

"I dunno, maybe you ate it."

Sirius looks down at his stomach. "I haven't gained that much weight."

"Sirius. You can't fit through the dog door anymore."

"So let's get a bigger dog door."

"No!" Marlene opens another grocery sack. "You're going to slim down."

"I'm going to _starve_. Did you buy any real food at all?"

"This is real. Lily and James eat like this every day."

"No wonder James is always asking to come 'round for meals."

Marlene rolls her eyes. "You haven't even tried it yet."

Sirius sighs. "Please, Marley."

"It's for your own good."

Sirius stalks out of the kitchen.

* * *

Breakfast the next morning is hell.

"Fat-free milk." Sirius rubs his eyes and looks down at his cereal. "You bought fat-free milk?"

"I did. And it tastes exactly the same."

Sirius wrinkles his nose. "Does not."

Marlene hands him a spoon. "You haven't tried it yet."

He doesn't take the spoon. "Marley—"

"Sirius Black, you are thirty-one years old. Don't be a baby."

Grumbling under his breath, Sirius digs a spoonful of cereal from his bowl and puts it in his mouth. "I'm dying," he says, voice muffled by the food, and he looks up at Marlene with a grimace.

Marlene pours herself her own bowl of cereal and takes a bite. "It's exactly the same."

"Lemme try." Sirius leans over and takes a spoonful of Marlene's cereal. "Hey!"

"What now?"

"Yours is normal!"

Marlene purses her lips and says nothing.

Sirius lets out a dramatic gasp. "You're using the normal stuff!"

"So what if I am? I'm not the one who has to lose weight."

Sirius snorts.

Marlene fixes him with a glare. "I'm sorry, do you have a comment about my weight?"

"I have a comment about your hypocrisy."

"I weigh exactly the same as I did when we moved in together after Hogwarts," Marlene says.

Sirius mutters something that sounds like, "If you say so."

"Sirius!"

"I just think if I'm forced to be on this diet, you should suffer with me."

"Fine." Marlene slams her spoon back on the table and reaches for Sirius' fat-free milk. "But I hope you know," she says as she conjures a bowl and dumps in some cereal, "that you're being ridiculous." She adds a waterfall of milk. "And that I— _oh!_ "

She spits her mouthful of cereal back into her bowl. "That's _disgusting_."

Sirius leans his chair back on two legs. "Interesting."

"Ugh." Marlene wrinkles her nose and pushes her bowl away from her. "I dunno how Lily eats this."

Sirius collects their bowls and moves to the sink. "Shall I run to the normal store and pick up some real food?" he asks as he pours their diet cereal down the drain.

"Yes, please."

Sirius grins as he swoops down to kiss Marlene's cheek. "And maybe I'll pick us up a larger dog door, while I'm out."

* * *

 _Based on the time my boyfriend tried to make me eat organic macaroni and cheese. Nice try, Alex, you liar._


End file.
